Can Menopause Cause A Divorce?

It is a common perception that divorce, especially when it occurs in middle age is initiated by a male partner. However, according to latest statistics, more than 60% or total divorces that occur after the age of 50 years are initiated by females (http://edition.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/01/10/peri.menopause/index.html?_s=PM:HEALTH).

In the past decades, the statistics of divorce has changed dramatically. Once, it used to be middle-aged men who want to replace their older wives and file for divorce; however, now it is the other way round and it is the females who leave marriages and file for divorce. The ratio of women filing divorce to men filing divorce is 3:1! The surprising fact is that these divorces are happening when the women are reaching the age of menopause i.e. in their 40s, 50s or 60s (http://www.healthline.com/health-blogs/hold-that-pause/menopause-marriage.)

An American psychiatrist Louann Brizendine, notes in her new book, ‘The Female Brain’, certain novel surprising and controversial explanations to these changes in the stats of divorce that have a scientific basis. According to her the women are not running away of marriages, but, instead they have for the first time taken control of their own lives when they walk out of a relationship. This happens due to a slump in their hormones responsible for the caring and nurturing nature of a mother that occurs at menopause. So the very moment a female becomes incapable of having children, her motherly instincts are chemically shut off too!

Menopause Affects Each Aspect of a Female’s Life

Menopause should not be considered solely a syndrome characterized by a collection of physical and biological changes. Instead, it has a profound effect on every single aspect of a woman’s life including relationships and marriage. Dr Christiane Northrup has addressed the issue of menopause in her book titled ‘The Wisdom of Menopause’ and suggested that due to menopause the marriage of a woman is placed under a microscope. According to her, a woman’s brain is rewired by the hormone driven changes and these changes cause the woman to notice injustice and inequality and speak about these issues affecting the relationship of marriage.

How Menopause Affects A Woman’s Brain?

The hormonal shifts or changes of menopause do affect the working of a woman’s brain. During menopause, the production of estrogen hormone is decreased, which implies that the oxytocin secretion is also lessened as oxytocin cells, which are present in the brain are stimulated by estrogen. Now, oxytocin is the hormone responsible for promoting feelings of caretaking and showing love for others. It is a feel-good-hormone whose secretion is stimulated by having sex or a massage, or cuddling a baby or hugging a person for at least 20 seconds. Hence, before menopause, woman’s brain secreted sufficient oxytocin so as to enable them to take care of their loved ones. After menopause, oxytocin secretion is decreased and women become less interested in taking care of others-their focus changing from ‘we’ to ‘me’.

Hence, before menopause, a woman’s brain is wired to be more caring towards others; however, on reaching menopause, women are more inclined to think about self and less about others. During this time they may also voice against issues, if there are any due to which they are unhappy in the marriage. Unfortunately, these changes are not always understood by the husbands and lead to a strained marital relationship.

Understanding Menopause

You may be surprised to know that menopause actually lasts for one day. It is characterized as the single day that occurs exactly 12 months after the occurrence of a female’s last menstrual period. The time span during which the changes happen in a female is often referred to as menopause; however, it is actually the period of perimenopause.

Perimenopause/Postmenopause and divorce

Perimenopuase and the symptoms due to it may begin as long as 10 years before the cessation of menses. However, most of the women fail to associate the perimenopausal symptoms to the beginning of the actual change. For instance, about 30% of females start having sleep difficulties (http://edition.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/01/10/peri.menopause/index.html?_s=PM:HEALTH). Other more familiar symptoms include irritability (we wrote a detailed article on this topic Menopause and Irritability: Everything You Need to Know); fluctuations in mood and loss of libido, especially in females who have never had symptoms of moodiness and irritability before.

According to Brizendine, behavioral changes are caused as a result of hormonal changes, creating a surprising statistic which is contrary to the conventional thought that menopausal wives are often dumped by their partners; instead, as already stated in the beginning of the article that according to government statistics, after the age of 50 years, approximately 65% divorces are initiated by females (http://edition.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/01/10/peri.menopause/index.html?_s=PM:HEALTH).

What can men do when their women is going through menopause?

If your partner is in the perimenopausal years, then being prepared for the changes to come will help both of you to cope with the changes associated with menopause and perimenopause. Men should be prepared for the irritability and mood fluctuations that their partner is going to experience during this stage. You should show them that you care and are sensitive to their changes.

It is also important for men to have some knowledge regarding HRT. In terms of sex, you have to find ways as a couple that provide intimacy even without intercourse. You should make your woman feel that she is still desirable and you still want to get intimate with her.

Menopause: A change for the Good

Menopause does not mean that you have to divorce your husband or your wife. Both the partners can make their relationship stronger than before, by understanding each other’s needs and accommodating accordingly.

How did menopause affect your marriage/relationship? Share your experience with other readers.

Comments

  1. You act like being self absorbed and selfish is a good thing. My marriage came apart at the seams because of my wife’s changes in thinking.
    She had been mildly ego centric before, but now ahe is full on narcissist.

    Menopause simply unhinges some women. Would you comsider it a good thing for men to become selfish and self absorbed at the cost to eveyone around them?

    • Men are already selfish. It’s during menopause that women simply catch up.

      • That’s not even close to being an answer. It’s a ridiculous statement. If I made a generalization like that about women I’d be labeled a sexist, and rightfully so.

      • I am postmenopausal and only 43. It is very hard when you have no sex drive at all. I woke up one day and my boobs were deflated. They lost all fullness, they feel like two empty sacks. This was devastating, as I already had small boobs. No sex drive at all, means I lost my mojo, almost your will to live. You feel very disconnected from the world and the people around you. It’s a strange feeling. Menopause does NOT make a good marriage bad, though. Coincidentally, my husband starting hanging out everyday with a girl half my age and drinking with her. This was very bad for my self-esteem. I am at an age where I am getting a lot of gray hair, sagging skin and wrinkles and here is my good looking husband hanging out drinking with a neighbor who is half my age. I was very hurt by this and lost my appetite. I was down to 93 lbs. I finally told him that I think we need to split, I feel so sick to my stomach over this and he has since stopped seeing the neighbor girl and is being more loving toward me. I am eating again and feel better , but am still very hurt by his actions and how he treated me in front of her as though I was the third wheel and she was his wife. It was sickening to watch. Even though we are working out our relationship and staying together, I don’t think I will ever feel the same about him, as I feel as though I’ve been enlightened on how he truly feels about me. A loving husband doesn’t disrespect his wife of 24 years marriage if he truly loves her. I feel as though the only reason he is being nice is because I caused a stink, otherwise his rude behavior would have continued. Let’s see how long it lasts now. I used to be head over heels in love with him, but I feel as though he ruined that now and it can never go back to the way it was. The damage is done.

        • Please try to give him a chance. Everyone can fail and marriage is a good thing and your love was and is a good thing. Love is also a choice not just a permanent feeling which is why the a great religion talks about ‘commanding’ us to love our neighbour. It is an active choice something we have to work on. So when you despair and remember how empty the hurt felt of being disrespected it is still possible to love and to ignite love in him again. It is an act of will and sometimes a lonely process but if the shoe were on the other foot you would want a hero to do it for you. You sound like a decent and caring person who has been hurt but with the right tools and the right thoughts you could rekindle his love and yours for him and make something even stronger than before.

          I recommend Brad Browning’s ‘Mend the Marriage’ course for help, plus look for sexual help guides too to help with intimacy and self-esteem.

          I really feel for you and know from your post you are a good and decent person and your husband is good too but maybe showed a weakness (maybe due to sensing changes in you?) – there is no such thing as coincidence, we have to learn to try to read the world, which is specially hard these days and when we are hurt and lonely its a big big test. In fact, forget college tests, or trying to run a business or even having a young family and all those worries, the greatest (and very neglected as a badge of honour to overcome and something that truly can turn out great – I am a living example, so I share your grief) is to overcome loss of love with increased love, practised love, strategies (particularly against doing things that don’t help) and sheer courage and creativity (more creative than the most heart rending music) is a VERY worthwhile thing. It is a work of great beauty and great emotion.

          In sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer and for poorer, etc… May God bless you.

          PS from your photo, your husband is obviously an extremely lucky man (boobs or no boobs – and don’t forget all men love boobs because they are the gateway to your heart – they love them of all sizes, they love them full stop”)

        • Dump him. He did this over and over. If you can’t forgive him, you’re wasting your life. He’s a pig.

      • Thank you! Spot on response.

      • ‘Men are already selfish. It’s during menopause that women simply catch up’. That sentence could only have come out of the mouth of a menopausal woman. It speaks volumes and shows what we men are truly up against – the faultless angry woman.

        • Absolutely. It’s like trying to have a rational conversation with a drug addict or alcoholic. They are alright, it’s you who are crazy, lazy, selfish, fat, have bad breath, bad hair, don’t clean, don’t make enough money, drive too fast, drive too slow, don’t mow often enough, don’t do the dishes, don’t do the dishes right so she has to do them, on and on. They can rationalize anything as the mans fault. My wife did. It was my fault she slept with her girlfriend’s boyfriend. She said, ” I don’t know why he was sobbing, it was his own fault.”

          • Kate Craig says:

            This is tragically hilarious. I feel for you, Rich! I have actually felt both that my husband was driving too fast and too slow, almost at the same time, during menopause! I’m sorry your marriage ended, if it did. I was going through horrific moods and bottled them up as best I could so I didn’t hurt my husband’s feelings because frankly, IT WAS PSYCHO. And now that the mood swings apparently are mostly over, I feel normal again toward him all the time and he never knew I wanted to kill him a lot of the time for no reason whatsoever. It wasn’t because I was “finally equal.” It was because I was in the hell of menopause. Not only did I work really, really hard to control my ugly (temporary) moods and feelings, but my husband was incredibly kind to me. We’re not even religious. He’s just a loving person (and I’m kind of NOT so much, LOL). I feel like warning people before they go into this, Don’t Push Your Perfectly Good Husband Away! It’s just menopause!

      • And here I thought the vows were written for both the good and bad times; my mistake.

  2. My soon to be ex-wife’s menopause began at about age 44 and was pretty much confined to some periodic hot flashes. Her general mood and personality was not affected much overall. However over the next 4-5 years the personal side effects were greater and the way she treated our marriage were very noticeable. Even though I initiated discussions and showed great care and concern for her feelings and what she was going through, she eventually completely shut down and had virtually no concern for my well being, feelings, health etc. She was absolutely nothing at all like the person I married. Throughout our entire marriage neither one of us was unfaithful, but I noticed that the deeper she got into menopause, the more her self esteem suffered and the more suspicious and jealous she appeared to be of me completely without merit. When she told the kids about the divorce they were devastated. I was amazed at how cold she was and didn’t offer either one of them any comfort and to this day has never apologized for the split and how it has made all of our lives more difficult. This was especially hard to witness given she used to be a very warm and caring person.

    • Howard, I went through exactly the same thing. I did not know who my wife was any longer. She completely shut down, physically & emotionally. She became another person all together. A very miserable and angry woman who blamed everything on me.
      The only time she acknowledged me was to cut me down. She moved out of the bedroom for 8 months and would not even look at me. Literally.
      Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries came and went with zero acknowledgment from her.
      I could neither do nor say anything correctly.
      There was no cheating, abuse, gambling, drinking etc.. She just checked out of my life.
      Finally I felt i had no choice but to move out and file for divorce for the sake of my own sanity. That was and still is the most difficult thing I ever had to do. It never should have come to that. I still love her and would go back with her in a minute if I thought she would just open up to me a little.
      It’s no joke. Lives were ruined because of her changes.

      • Thank you for sharing your perspective during this difficult time. I’m 44 and just starting down this very scary life path. I feel that I am becoming a completely different woman than I have been the entirety of my life up ’til now. I have contacted my doctor and am trying medications because I realize that my anxiety, depression, anger and even paranoia have nothing to do with my husband, but in the moment it is hard not to react.

        • My wife just filed for divorce, I am crushed. If I had only known of the severity of these symptoms I would have reacted differently. 33 years of marriage gone, we grew old together and raised four successful children through college. I hope that husbands will be more understanding. I thought that my wife did not love me anymore, no sex, yelling and screaming, very little normal conversation (when we did talk I had to be very careful of what I said). I took her to the doctor and she would not cooperate, yelling at the doctor and his staff, “I’m not crazy!” If I tried to have sex with her voiced became deep and face was stern, “Don’t ever ask me for sex again!” Totally different person from the woman I knew. The change came slowly started during the mid 40s and here at 53 we are divorcing. I can’t believe this…..

          • Yup, sounds like me.
            I think this where the saying “cunt” was invented.

            Women who make their families suffer, broken marriages, children messed up from divorces, should be hung for their treatment of husbands and children.

        • Sharon Jaski says:

          Dear Jodi, I don’t how to tell you this but if I could have typed my own response to this conversation it would have been exactly what you wrote!! I’m scared because I am a strong woman who just broke up with the lovE of her life and just thought it might be because of other reasons. This reply/comment thing about menopause explains a lot. I’m absolutely devastated about breaking up with my boyfriend because we have never had trust issues or any serious problems. Some how he just started to drive me mental retarded. I’m grabbing at straws right now cuz we miss each other so much and I don’t know how to get this back, Signed, So Sad

          Y

          ,
          ,

          You

          • Sharon, what happend, Who started the slit?
            My wife, she started every now and again picking on things I’ve always done, wes getting cold towards me, didn’t want the touching, kissing, hugging we’ve had for the last 10 years.
            We planned for near future events then one weekend she told me she don’t love me anymore and asked me to leave, like you I’ve lost the love of my life and I’m devastated

          • Im goin thru this right now. After 15 years all of a sudden she wants to split. My daughter has no idea what is going on. My Mother in Law isnt helping as she is a manipulative and miserable, lonely, single divorcee herself. It hurts but my wife has spent the last 3 months beating me in the head with wanting to seperate that I am just going along now. So sad but I have to do what i gotta do

        • If this isn’t my wife’s post, I’m shocked.

        • This sounds exactly like my wife. Post is dated just about right.

        • Bless you, and I mean that seriously. I know it is a difficult time, but at least you realize there is a problem and are reaching out for help. I wish more would be like you.

      • Lori Stutson says:

        This is me

    • This is fascinating. My fiancée is 40 and has recently started acting in a bizarre way, very paranoid, irritable, whereas before she was warm, extremely caring and forgiving. Now she accuses me of all sorts of bad behaviour, doesn’t want to have sex and flares up if I say the slightest thing. I know can understand the change in her personality. I thought she was having an affair, but now I think she might be peri menopausal. I feel like I’m losing the love of my life, I just don’t recognise her anymore. I still love her so much and I hope this doesn’t destroy us.

  3. After 15yrs of marriage, my wife is divorcing me and it coincides precisely with her entering menopause. In fact, she always had hormonal difficulties ever since we met, it was hellish at times. This is not to say that our marriage was without issues, indeed we had core issues of a significant nature, we both made some poor decisions in how we interacted.

    But I do believe that the hormonal milestone of menopause insured the end of our marriage. She is all about “me” and the “we” was put in the garbage.

  4. Like probably at least 95% of men, I had no worthwhile knowledge concerning the realities of the physical, emotional, and even spiritual changes that can take place in some women in perimenopause. About two years ago, at the age of 40, my mostly-loving wife of 18 years became completely self-absorbed, moody and totally ignored the family. But it was only a couple months ago that I began researching this subject. After looking at the wealth of information I now understand that my soon to be ex-wife could be the poster child for perimenopausal women. The changes that have occurred in her have had devastating effects of her physically, spiritually and financially, not to mention the damage to the rest of the family. Though these changes were probably inevitable, if I had understood the realities of perimenopause when it began, my responses to her may have been different and possibly we could have saved a previously happy healthy family. More education is needed on this subject, especially for husband.

  5. Mark said says:

    I feel for you all I am 47 years old and I’m going through a divorce right now over menopause she did not she is going through it but it all started about 45 years old she is now 50 started, one day she would come home and she would complain about the grass not being mowed down enough she was complaining about plants dying around our house not getting enough water which they were getting, she would complain about the house being dirty which it wasn’t she was going through a period cycle and she wouldn’t stop bleeding so the doctor gave her some pills so she was taking those for about 3 weeks to stop bleeding, and I guess they have a hormone in them that would change your mood swings also so what I would get out of it is if you’re feeling kind of sad and unhappy these pills are like a anxiety pills somewhat close to those, but she said she’s not going through menopause the doctor said she was not but doctors always make mistakes a lot these days, I think she is going through menopause because if you are a skinny woman you can start menopause early before 50 if you’re a little overweight you can start menopause between 47 and 50 not much of a difference but what I was told is most women start menopause around 44 but she just came home started complaining more and more just complaining about nothing she pushed me away because i didn’t want to say the wrong thing, she has been complaining for over 3 years she used to be a pretty good housewife she’s worked come home cook dinner then she stopped all that and all she did was work 10 11 hours a day come home take a shower watch a little TV and go right to bed this routine went on for many years, I tried so many times to love on here but seems like anything I do would do nothing, I didn’t even ask for sex because she was so tired, she promised so many times within this process to try to work it out but one day she came home in something I put on facebook and told her that I did not want a divorce let’s get a separation first and she says I’ve been thinking about what you said and we can try that the next day I pick her up from work and we’re talking something brought up that I’ve tried message what do you mean you tried you either tried or you’re trying two different things so I just told her Well I know now that you’ve lied to me again said that you wanted to work it out and then you don’t very confusing menopause is to women it’s almost like a man being in a bad mood for 30 days I can understand it in a way but I think she should got a second opinion from a doctor maybe it would of made her think that it was menopause and not just herself of what she thinks she wants, this is my first marriage, I’ve been for 10 years, even her son thinks she’s flipped out I mean Dam at 50 I found out she got here belly button pierced I thought that was odd because I know her and what she thinks, and the closest she’s ever came to get anything like that done is a tattoo on her ankle, we’ll I have more to say but you get the picture.

    • Dont feel bad dude. My wife is only 35 with the same behavior as all those on here. My wife wentnto the doctor and said she was fine. I think she lying. technically the Dr is bound by HIPPA laws and cant tell even the spouse her diagnosis unless it is life threatening to the spouse. With that being said the wife can come home and say to you whatever she wants regarding her diagnosis. I wish you luck brother

  6. Marcella says:

    From a woman’s point of view, I am enduring the challenges of perimenopause, but my husband is very angry with my insecurity. I have been very suspicious, jealous and moody. I also had a severe thyroid issue which was a sound reason for my depression and mood swings. He was patient with me for a year, but now calls me nuts and says that nobody endures what he does. I wonder if he still loves me. Many men have limited capacity for emotional distress. We will go back to counseling, but the fact that he thinks he’s the only one going through this insinuates that I am some kind of monster. Unfortunately, he is not the loving, understanding man whom I thought was the most wonderful guy.

    • Your husband sounds insensitive. Maybe he should get therapy alone. Doesn’t he understand menopause? He is being just as unreasonable for calling you names.

  7. After being married for 29yrs with a 18 month split 23yrs ago I have always felt I was the luckiest man in the world and still do. I was blind to the change for along time by our love and by the thought I could change it all. My wife started by showing signs by telling me I was to needy and selfish (at times I was) but always showd my love strongly. As time has gone by she has grown to distancing her self from me which hurt due to I am a very loving husband and do believe in forever at times she would reply that I was sappy because I love her so much and tell her so(WTF). She has been changing and I have noticed she was irratable and wanted to be alone more often. My reply to this way to show more love and trying to hold her tell her how beautiful she is and being by her. Who would have thought that those actions are the resaoning for wanting a divorce the main one anyhow. I had mentioned counsuling but was told it wasn,t needed I have tried to talk about really a hundred times an was shut down or did all the talking it seemed. I am not one of those guys that think a woman should be in the kitchen and have done 95% of the cooking fail meals and felt great by making her happy. Mind you that all along when ask or I was feeling down she alway would say we would be together forever which gave me a wonderful feeling and I hoped her also because her happyness is very important to me. After a week of very off putting me and it has built to that for last 6 months it seems she tells me she is done with our marrage. Those are the most devistating words I have ever heard and its heart breaking to say the least. I have noticed physical changes in her female things in mostly and thought nothing of it thinking she knew what this pre metoplause could do to a womens hormonal and emotional changes. So in a crying myself dry for hours I ask her if she knew abut all the things that this premetaplause could cause and she replied no, I was floored as I heard females could get crabby but this is unreal. I want my old wife back as I love her so she is going to see a Dr. and I sure hope it helps because in her eyes of now I can do nothing right and has killed me inside. I can believe mother nature can do this to a woman. To all reading stay strong and don’t give up on your love of a life I won’t . I could write a novel on how I have the best wife in the world and I won’t lose her without a fight. ..I can’t imagine how this could affect the family 1 daughter 2 sons and 4 beautiful grandchildren..To all that say their wives are leaving all I can say is fight for her this is not her fault and I know it can last for along time when its over I don’t want the woman I love to look around and see all the damage it has caused but its too late…Well men stand by her and get her to a Dr. Its not going to happen over night but you fell in love with her for a reason…GOOD LUCK

    • JustaSlob says:

      Damn dude….. Yer a saint. You type for shit but a saint nonetheless. …..lol

      All kidding aside…. I’ve read a lot of articles on the net… your closing statement was inspirational. I mean that.

      • Kate Craig says:

        JustaSlob you are hilarious and I mean it in a good way. Hang in there. I can’t believe how many men have gone so far to explore all this that they’re commenting on a menopause site!

    • Frustrated says:

      Nigh on impossible to get her to a Doctor, if she goes – she just lies to them. In fact she has done one hell of a lot of lying over the past 3 or 4 years. When she does get given medication – she doesn’t take it. Thirty-five years gone, just like that.

  8. We were married for 15 years and if someone had asked me if we were happy, I would have said yeah. Not ecstatically in love, but a good marriage. My wife began menopausal symptoms about 2 years before entering full menopause, mostly night sweats and not being able to sleep. In October of last year, we took a trip to Las Vegas and had a lot of fun, it was a normal awesome trip like we had done several times before. Then in November, one weekend morning we woke up, I tried to initiate intimacy like we had done about once a week for 15 years, and she announced that she was not interested in sex and was very unhappy in our marriage. She has stuck with that position and we have not been intimate for 7 months. We are now headed for a divorce in spite of my efforts to prevent it. She has become very uncaring about me or how I feel about anything and has very little concern about how a divorce is going to affect our 11 and 14 year old children. I found out that over the previous 5 or 6 years that she had expressed displeasure with our marriage to one of her girlfriends, so I don’t think that menopause is the cause for the divorce, but I do believe that menopause has put her in a state of mind to where she cannot care for other people. At this point, the only thing important to her is herself. It’s sad, because this is not the same person I married. Bring on the attorneys.

    • Good for you to realize that you don’t deserve to be treated by a mad woman. I too am suffering these changes. It’s not fair that they don’t realize what here doing.

      We have the exact same situation. I’m convinced that I’m not the only male suffering from this.

      Bring on the attorneys as I told my ex wife to be. In fact I told her to do it ASAP so I can go on with my life. I’ve got 2 boys, 10 & 12 who I love to the ends of this world and I am sad that they too have to go thru this.

      These women should be hung for their actions.

      • You should divorce her fbb. Do her a favor BC you sound like a real jerk. On several of these texts you refer to the C-word and now they/ we should be hung? When we meet our maker we will be judged according to the standards we judge others by- So unless you want to be hung n treated as a C, maybe you should class it up a little. I only know you by what you say here and…. eww! Good luck replacing her man. And yes, as a perimenopausal Christian, I am speaking against the injustice I see. Read all of it. No one means to do any damage, but that doesnt mean its ok. Im sure most of these otherwise loving women (as their men have stated they are) are mortified at what they are becoming. When we’re teens, everyone says: they’re just teens, its the age. But when its the NEXT age… we’re C’s?? Shame on you and may God bless you. Go get some anger management counseling.

        • Hi There, I praise God for leading me to this website. I thought I was alone in this wanky situation until I read all the text above. Gosh, I am not the only one. This is my second marriage and we were so much in love for the past 9 years. Every penny that I earn was given to her. All my property and company were also registered under her name. I would spend spare time lecturing in local University and these Extra Income is also given to her as a token of appreciation on eve of every New Year. But her changes over the past 10 months was a nightmare to me. I read the above text and now understood it was menopause that lead to all these changes. She had all the signs that everybody write above. Totally 360 degree changes and she told me last week that we should breakup, all the assets is hers and I should continue to secure more deals to support her until she is remarried. She controlled all the finances and I am left with just few hundreds dollar in my wallet. She ignore me totally and only interested to know if I could bring more deals to the Company. I have been a total Idiot all these years, worked 25 hours a days, 7 days a week to raise the family and give everything to her. Now I am left to lick my sorrow. But I want to thank all of you for sharing. At least I know I am not alone. While it is easy to point finger, you could never understand the hurt that cut so deep into our heart. Most Husbands work like a Dog all days and nights to provide for the family. It is devastating to see the family breakup in this matter, we did not do anything wrong, why can’t our wife take a step back and come together to see how we can cope with this menopause together, She just Change Overnight from US to HER.

  9. Hello,I have recently divorced. My. Divorce was menopause relately,my husband. Would never believe anything I told him about my body going through changes.So one day he went out looking for sex and he was severly beat up due to the area of town he went to.
    He thougth I was sleeping around because I had no sex drive and I showed no affection ,and he already. Had no self esteem about himself ,so

    My advice to the men would be study and read up for yourself do not just listing to ther people opinonsThat will distroy your relationship

    no matter what I said. Made no difference, he wo
    uld not read and study up on menopause and the effect it had on women

  10. my wife of 38 years has left after 4 painfull years of watching her warm and loving personality change 180 degrees. I like most men had no idea what was going on, I had heard of the symptoms, but thought , like a cold or the flu, the same person would exist afterwards. Not even close. The partner with whom I’d shared a warm, fun, cooperative and sexy life with, for 39 years seems to relish anything that causes pain to me! This has been the worst, and there is no end to it. She has flushed this beautiful relationship without a tear, or an explanation. the 3 boys and I , can’t understand a bit of this. All our mutual friends can’t believe this has happened. People hear of this and I can see the look, what did you do to her? Reading these pages helps, but it’s continually painfull, I thought the vow forever actually ment something.

  11. MarlboroMan says:

    Sounds like I am now in the ranks of all the other men posting here about the loss of their once loving wife. Menopause has totally crushed our marriage of 13 years. Counseling be darned, it did nothing to help her, and in fact, she wont tell me anything about what even happened in her counseling. The word used quite a bit it seems is “checked out”, and that is exactly what has happened to my wife. She has dredged up every flaw she has percieved in me and made it a mountain. Am I perfect? Certainly not, and I know that, but I never checked out of life like she has. Until searching about menopause and divorce I had no clue about any of this. To top it all off she was once a heavy smoker, and is now back to doing that full time, so not only is she mean, but she smells like an ashtray now. She told me that I needed her more than she needed me, and that was the final straw. I put the ball in her court to find a divorce mediator so we can get out of this mess that has completely blindsided me. There is much more to this, but thats in in a nutshell…..menopause comes, wife checks out, picks on flaws, she has no flaws and our once loving marriage becomes 13 years of wasted time. So sad.

  12. My husband never puts me first. I mean NEVER-EVER.
    He will be around when his son & grandchildren pop in.
    When it comes to my birthday or our anniversary, he plays tennis.
    He never thinks or tries to plan anything special.
    EVERY vacation we ever took was planned & paid for by me.
    I am sick of it, and I am no longer going to just be his personal chef.
    I am going to have a very long triple lumbar fusion in 7 days.
    He sat in the car during both appointments with the neurosurgeon.
    I may end up having to recover in a nursing facility because I would not be coming home to a “responsible adult.”
    How pathetic is that?
    25 years and ZERO concern for your wife going under the knife for a circumferential fusion.
    I am so disappointed.
    Once I am healed enough to get a bag packed, I am off to the airport.
    Being a duel citizen with the US & Jamaica, is finding to be a great pay off for the next chapter of my life.
    Once they no longer care about your health, its over~

  13. Wow, wow wow!! Luther, Tom, john, max, Jack, mark, bow, James and rich, you have all just written my last few years. My names Peter and I’m both disturbed and releived that I’m not the only one going through this hell on earth. My wife left me 16 weeks ago and I’ve only just clicked it’s totally caused by menopause. She had become withdrawn, cold and heartless toward me, thinking of no one but herself. All logic and rationalism has gone. She has no sense of reasoning or values. 3 weeks after we separated she found a new man, and after knowing him for just 8 weeks has decided to buy a house in joint names and move in together. She thinks she is level headed, and knows what she’s doing, but I know now because of her menopause, she has lost her mind. No one can make her see what is actually happening. I am left helpless, she doesn’t have any feelings towards me and all she does is put me down. I still love her and care for her so much, but how do you tell her that when she’s so wrapped up in her new life and new man, she wants me out of her life altogether. Like one of you Guys said, she’s all all about “me” and “we” was put in the garbage. She has changed into a different being altogether, no values, no remorse, no guilt, no sorry. How do I deal with this?
    She has ruined my life, and our 2 children have lost all respect for her. I wish I could shake her and shake her until she snaps out of it, but it’s too late. If I was more aware of the consequences of menopause, things may have been different. Yes, there should be more education for husbands. I’ve just lost the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, my world, my everything because of menopause, and she’s oblivious to it , wrapped up in her new life, new lover, new selfish self. Never wrong, never a doubt she’s done the wrong thing…..who you fooling babe???? Listen to Pete Murray, “so beautiful” ….my wife to a T. I’m helpless , lost, confused , angry, broken , and she doesn’t care….Thanx menopause

  14. I have just split with my partner of three years. She is an exceptional loving woman and we had shared a wonderful time together without even one argument.
    Four months ago she came off the pill and unbeknownst to me began menapause.
    I noticed that she cooled towards me and lost interest in spending time with me. This wonderful woman that used to run to the door when i arived would now barely look up from the task at hand.
    Her sex drive dropped and she started saying things like ” we have a wonderful sex life but you dont make love to me anymore”.
    A week ago i went to see her and she said she doesn’t love me anymore and it’s over. This from a woman who four months ago told me she never thought she would ever find love like ours.
    I’m devistated. I only found out about the menapause through a friend of hers after the split.
    I really thought we would grow old together.

  15. Hope someone has some insight…my wife and I have been married for 21 years and together for 28. We are both 47 years of age. She had a partial hysterectomy in 2011 leaving one ovary. Our marriage was always rocky but for the most part loving, I was self admitted angry and verbally abusive at times, which cut her to the bone. It was never intentional as I could not control it. I currently have been in therapy for many years and have learned to control my problems well. To get to the meat and potatoes of this post, she was diagnosed as being in menopause by blood work by her gynocologist. She has asked me to leave the house numerous times and says she loves me but not in love with me. Although she makes these statements she has given me birthday cards anniversary cards stating she loves me and wants me to keep the faith, we’re on the right track and that I’m a beautiful soul. She tells everyone how much I’ve changed and become the husband she always wanted, but someone else is gonna get a great man after she suffered for all these years. She is hell bent on a divorce which I’m not dealing with well, we have twin 16 year old daughters who seem to be on her side and agree we should be divorced. She says it is not menopause and it’s just she dosent love me anymore and that I ruined her life. She has been a stay at home mom since the kids were born, and now that they are grown she feels useless and Noone needs her. She has gone off on the kids boyfriends and people in general at times. She sees nothing good in our marriage and only focuses on the negative, which there were lots. She assures me there is Noone else and she just wants to live her life on her own. I can’t tell if it is menopause influenced or she just dosent love me anymore. She has said she keeps trying to feel something for me but it’s just not coming back. Any I’m put or help on this subject would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post

    • Hi,

      I am going through an extremely similar story for one and a half years now and things improved a lot after the divorce which really freed herself. I get the same “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech, that the next woman will benefit of the great man I have become, that I deserve to be loved by someone else because she is old and sick, incapable of love anymore, and must stay miserable for the rest of her life. What works wanders is staying upbeat no matter what crap comes back from her, give her a quality time when she reaches out to you, hug her a lot, love her unconditionally, and never bring up the relationship speech. After one hug in January we started having sex and she enjoyed a lot. I get sex now from her once every month or so. For me this is enough to wait her out, considering that we have a 9 years old child and a I have a busy job.

  16. I am going through the same thing. I am an active duty Army officer, we’ve been through many deployments and moves and my wife was always was strong and supportive. This last move was our empty nest move. She is 52, our youngest graduated high school, we moved and she is peri-menopausal. It has been 9 months of walking on egg shells while she goes from 0-60 instantly and unpredictably. I have been supportive and enocuraged her to see a female provider. If a man treated a woman the way I have been treated verbally, he’d be considered abusive. I love her and care for her but at some point one can only take so much and needs to care for onself also. Going to war was easier than this is.

  17. Im in the same situation, my loving 51 year old partner of 11 near perfect years has just told me that she dont love me anymore and wants me gone,

    I say near perfect as I dont think there is such thing as “the perfect relationship” but we was good together 99.9% of the time, a few ups and down as all relationship have but nothing bad

    she’s not shown feeling \ tears, nothing. she told me the last 11 years have been a mistake, that we’ve never been compatible and bringing up all the little trivial things that have happened

    As others have said she done a 180 turn from my loving partner who I love to bits to a cold, very cold towards me different person

    Im gutted, lost and feel that Ive had my heart ripped out

    • I got exactly the same treatment after a very healthy marriage from my point of view. The whole relationship was a mistake, she was never happy with me, and brings as arguments simple things that happened during our 15 years together (e.g. you did not answer my SMS). Detach and be supportive when she looks for you.

      • You say:

        “Detach and be supportive when she looks for you”

        I’ve detached, I’m just waiting now for the part where I can be supportive when she looks for me, I hope and prey it’s very soon as I’m still in a very very dark place and not coping without her

  18. Nick Hanson says:

    And there we have it, guys. The menopause is all about you. And you wonder why your wives are leaving? Seriously, wake up to yourselves.

    • We know it’s not all about us, we also know what woman go through at this difficult time of life, I done a lot of reading and some sail through it and it’s hell for others.
      The more I tried to help and be understanding the more I got pushed away

    • We know it’s not all about us, we know the difficulty time women go through when the peri rears it’s ugly head.
      The more love, support and understanding I gave / showed my wife the more she pushed me away.
      We’ve now split up as she said she don’t love me anymore

  19. I’m in exactly the same situation, my loving partner after a good 10 year relationship has just checked out, like most we’ve had a few ups and downs but nothing major, she started getting a bit distance and then told me she doesn’t love me anymore, started dragging past issues up and saying we’ve never been compatible, I’m ripped apart

  20. Marianne says:

    My husband divorced me at 57. I had no idea it was menopause that broke our marriage, but this is why I’m on Rhi’s website. I began having menopausal symptoms 4 years into our marriage. I began believing dogs in our economically depressed area. I began to help to save them. Next thing you know I started collecting and desperately nurturing the dogs. I had no children. He got frustrated that I was loving the animal nurturing too much. His 4 children began to despise me. I started getting severely depressed. I was fired from my 15 year teaching job 2 months after my husband divorced me for a woman 10 years younger. His children are happy and feel I deserve what I have now. I asked for help from my Dr. for menopause but he ran a blood test and said I was not in menopause. I am sure woman are in menopause before the estrogen drops substantially. I feel sad because I basically lost my life to menopause and will never recover as I am a hyper sensitive person. I warn other marriages, you need counseling for times like these. I’m not an expert on mental health issues but menopause is a serious mental health issue for women and their marriage. Many women will never even realize menopause caused their divorce from everything that matters to them.

  21. Thank you Nick Hanson. Reading these posts from these guys is heart wrenching. I’m almost 50 and in the throws of peri menopause, at the very least. It causes so many surreal physical and mental changes, you guys would never understand but I have read that men do have a version of “menopause” they go through. I believe there were problems in the marriages before, as in my case, and that the changes in peri menopause cause us women to eventually throw in the towel. If it were true that menopause causes all these divorces, the divorce rate would be 90%. I think all of you men need to take a long look at the past years and identify the red flags that went unnoticed by you! I concede women are a mystery but we are not that mysterious!

    • Thats not really fair, I had a good loving relationship, good love not soppy love and got on real well.
      There was no major issues in our relationship a few discusiones that got resolved, no screaming or shouting at each other but at 51 she just check out

    • Christy, I have heard “the Red Flags” thing before. These are good men who would have lost their wives regardless. My red flags were mowing the lawn imperfectly, fingerprints on the stainless steel, leaving the garage untidy, its mother nature changing the perfect mother and wife into a matriarchal self centered preservationist for the second half of her life. She is just compelled to do whatever she wants without the conscience that hindered her before. The good men that loved them are no longer relevant. Its “about me” till they discover what they are missing. What they are missing is, temporarily, the hormones that make them feel passionate and that loss is overwhelming.

    • Causes so many mental changes , us guys wouldn’t understand ???????? Are you seriously serious ???? :):) why would we not understand ????? Although you will find it hard to believe , we actually do anderstand ! Probably more than you do yourself !! Pffff thanks nick Hanson !!! Wot ever man !!

  22. So glad I have seen this site .
    I have been married nearly 25 years … very very happily .My wife has a very high powered job, stress full at the best of times , but we work as a team and its worked for us for years . I also work full time . I do all the cooking , washing ,ironing , shopping and cleaning . Basically we want for nothing , financially well off and no mortgage, my wife can come home , put her feet up and relax , knowing everything is taken care of, she tells me she couldn’t do her job without me and appreciates all my help . ….. but wow the last few months . no longer the loving wife , she recognises whats going on and we have talked about it, but its so hard , .Just trying to make conversation she thinks I’m quizzing her , if I ask if she’s ok . she will fly at me . No intimacy , no cuddles , she won’t talk and I’m walking on eggshells . She seems to have become very friendly with a younger guy at work , constantly texting etc . I should say that she works in a male dominated industry and I have accepted most of her friends are male and its never bothered me … till now , guy is single and turns up everywhere with her . They have just returned from a trip to the states as well !! This , for the first time does not feel right . Don’t know where to turn or speak to.
    My youngest son has seen the difference also and has made several cutting comments to her about how she talks to the pair of us . To the point she told us both something the other day ( all in same room ) then 2 minutes later denied it . he had to walk out .
    I have read plenty of advice forums and trying to understand . Still doesn’t prepare you for how hard it is . Really feel like I’m losing my soulmate . I’m prepared to do what ever it takes but it takes two and at the moment i’m battling this alone . I do understand and feel for her but following all the advice I can , I cannot do anymore . She refuse point blank to visit her gp as in her own words , she knows whats happening and does not need a doctor to confirm it .

    • I know how you feel, it’s soul destroying when the woman you love and have had a good long term relationship with turns on you

      Ive been separated now from my partner for 3 months and it doesn’t get any easier

      I’m still living in hope, waiting for the phone call, message or any other forms of communication from her asking if we can sort it all out

      I still love her and miss her like mad

      Sad thing is, I’ve read so much on the Internet, other guys in the same situation but have not read any success stories

    • I have just lost my wife of 22 years. It’s been two months now, not a peep.
      Neither of us strayed and we were independent within a healthy relationship, considering the economic times we’re in. Sex life was very good. No means no, and I listen carefully to signals, giving healthy respect for my wife’s needs.
      This went both ways. We knew when the other or what the other needed without saying it.
      I would say “soul mate” in our case. Yep menopause is part of it and she changed 180 degrees.
      I’ve two kids which I did the home dad thing, I work from home, my wife worked part time.
      We both shared chores, rarely a disagreement. Re menopause, the “we” just became “me” as she feels unfulfilled with everything in her life all of a sudden. I never stopped her from doing anything she wanted to do during the 22 years.
      I’m going to cover a few issues that broaden this subject.

      1. Menopause, which isn’t the only issue here, but does need to be looked at as a physiological factor. Hormones do affect people and anyone who denies this, doesn’t understand that our glands control hormones which then affect emotional responses and outcomes in our psyche. Anyone who has had teenagers sees it in both genders, how they change rapidly in early years, why wouldn’t women change in later years?
      We need deeper research on hormone production and *depletion through stress and modern living. Lack of sleep can affect hormone patterns also, as probably do minerals and diet. Pharmaceuticals are trying to replace natural hormones with synthetic ones, which will eventually turn the women’s immune system against itself as the Trojan horse drug enters into the body. The immune system recognises that the HRT drugs are not natural causing more health issues down the line that we don’t understand yet, as this industry is still in its infancy. To say that drugs don’t affect moods or behaviour flies in the face of behavioural psychology.
      I’ve been called “sexist” recently by a lady for even mentioning menopause, which is unfair, given that I think I’m quite a reasonable person with a wealth of research to form an opinion.
      It’s well known that strong mother figures may create emasculated boys (see Oedipus complex). When I researched this juxtaposed against the feminist movement we have a gorgon snake of occult agenda here.
      As women globally transition into uber dominant figures, this emasculates their male partners into little boys as they regress back to childhood. The women strip all semblance of being a mother or lover, only to become the dominant alpha male (i.e. gender flip, see Nazism and gender manipulation experiments). This sends crazy occult signals into the psyche of males who don’t see this coming. The husband is dropped like a hot cake mid marriage in some cases, unsure of where the hell did that come from??
      The women then become the cougar male hunter, selfish, or just me, me, me. This is evident is the fact that even children are left behind in some cases. Males are under attack from all angles. Males can then take two options, either “out or in” in psychological terms. Enter the drug agenda. Flood society with easy drugs and depressed males then fall to self abuse, suicide or violence.
      Feminism as an occult agenda (funded by mega bankers), mixed with powerful psychological knowledge is dangerous if misused. I posit that the elite knew and created feminism coupled with these powerful psychological factors. In effect augmenting the attack on *males, causing society to collapse on the lower levels. Why? A: elite power
      I say lower levels, as society is structured from top down using social Darwinist principles, i.e. survival of the most violent. Males still dominate at the echelons of society ladies and you’ll never but never conquer their domain at that level, even males on the lower levels can’t get there.
      So whilst the male elite control a plethora of *alpha *females hell bent on power, this subjugates the majority of males in society. Recipe for disaster. We’ll see more female prime ministers hit the planet I’m sure.

      2. Occult agendas, including social engineering, i.e. gender flipping, sexual uncertainty/experimentation, male emasculation, feminism, archetypal manipulation, internet porn, drug/substance abuse and finally economic stresses. This agenda covers a very broad platform of media manipulation, infiltration into schools, universities, including, centralisation and control of social opinion and scientific research, control of the arts/music industry, which in turn affects political agendas and social outcomes. Religion has also been infiltrated; I’ll cover that further down.
      This deeper agenda covers and includes archetypal information which takes decades to filter into the collective subconscious mind. I would include Uber feminism/homosexuality which is manifesting as an anti-heterosexual hate movement as opposed to genuine equality (love). Feminism is constantly paraphrased within the media controlled context of sexual preferences and domestic violence aimed mostly at women by violent men.
      Next to no information is tabled when women are the instigators of violence. Violence is always contextualised as “physical” violence. Emotional, mental, or any form of psychological manipulation is ignored. Psychological manipulation can start at birth and many don’t even see it as a form of violence. To make this harder to source the causes of violence, socially sanctioned violence is never tabled. Top down hierarchical structures in media make sure any violence is kept tightly within “domestic arenas” whilst war is waged globally against both genders in many countries worldwide? This is glaringly obvious and needs to be brought out into the open.
      The pseudo feminist movement creeps into religion one of the oldest most stable moral platforms.
      One may note that lesbianism and gay minorities are getting ample media coverage, including normalising same sex marriage, including the pointed attack on Christians not having gays or gay priests is the norm nowadays? Note one never hears anything about Jewish, Hindu, Islamic gay relationships? Why are only the Christian churches being targeted for same sex marriage, gay rights and marriage? Watch the political arena as well as this subject constantly comes up.
      Domestic violence is being portrayed daily, with mostly men the target. Let’s look into private investment into incarceration facilities with over representation of males. AVOs (aggravated violence order) are being handed out willy nilly, many of my mates have had them slapped onto them through false avadavats. No proof of violence was presented in some cases and court proceedings ensued? Families smashed to ribbons.
      If men, so much as question or try to defend with a counter argument, they are shouted down as sexist, patriarchal, or just plain ignorant, uncaring etc.
      Time and again, I’m watching the personalised attack on the male as any resistance to this Uber feminist hate movement filters in. Rothschild funded this whole movement back in the sixties.
      I have my own ideas that two mortgages are better than one as families and partners split across the globe. Children are left smashed in the wake of selfish consumerism and greed.
      Most, if not all domestic violence is at the end stage as ignorant parties become violent through frustration of not understanding causal inputs. Simultaneously any “violence” from women, including any emotional, mental or similar forms of violence is kept right out of healthy debate or discourse.
      Pornography is also supplanting traditional roles of loving partnerships. The U.S. has produced approx. 95million porn sites, which is undermining role identity and respect of both genders.
      Women are subject to archetypal manipulations into two categories, the princess and the prostitute, Porn magazines including mainstream printed media (this includes housing and décor magazines which fuel inadequacy in materialist needs) making women *constantly *unhappy through lack or imperfection, bifurcating between these two archetypes. Let’s include plastic surgery, clothing, fashion, homewares, houses, most consumables. Media is now targeting women in most adverts as “successful” and “go getting” whilst men are portrayed as slovenly sloths sleeping on the couch or similar emasculated roles, i.e. domestic house work or home chores. Turn the sound off the TV and watch who the ad is targeting? Auto ads with successful women driving, housing loans with successful young women are often seen.
      I would say that due to digital statistics being collated, the critical mass of women hitting menopause was known decades ago, so dovetailing many agendas may be the case. The desire for material wealth has outstripped true love and companionship.
      As millions of middle aged, unhappy, programmed females hits critical mass, we’ll see society melt down in a massive discontent of divorce, loose sex, cougar executive women taking younger male lovers, or in same sex relationships, that hetero relationships will smash onto the rocks of poisonous siren song.
      The males will hit the drugs, violence and sadly turn in on themselves or society as the elite sit back again laughing all the way to their own bank.
      I noticed my own wife started to hang out with, what I perceived to be unhappy, unfulfilled female friends as economic stresses got harder. The common denominator was dominant females with emasculated husbands or no husband at all.
      I watched carefully as when my wife returned home from visiting these friends, her demeanour changed.
      Communication waned and pointing out my weaknesses ensued. Projections were the constant as I tried to defend to no end. Her friends had beautiful houses and yes, mortgages to the eye balls, but still unhappy.
      My wife’s friends were kept away from my company or contact mostly. I perceived them to have deep control issues within their own marriages, in one case, one lady friend had lost her husband in an accident was deeply traumatised and subsequently carries unresolved trauma which she projected onto my wife. How often I’ve seen lonely unhappy women that somehow need others to be in the same boat as them to somehow justify their misfortune and unhappiness. One may want to look up Schadenfreude syndrome, a condition where humans love to watch others suffer to justify their own unhappiness. It is very prevalent in our current society.
      I often saw the projections of my wife augment toward me, the more my wife kept company with these women. One of the friends left her builder husband for two years, blackmailing him to finish their mansion overlooking the beach, swimming pool and all. On her return two years later, he sleeps downstairs, her upstairs, with magnificent views of the ocean. They don’t sleep together at all. She’s an alcoholic and takes shopping holidays to Asia to sate her unhappiness and he’s emasculated and screws prostitutes whilst on his ski holidays which he takes alone, how sad. It would seem her house and social prestige is more important in the social context.
      Find out the causal inputs, they go deeper than just menopause. I’m watching all my friends separating and economy has a lot to do with it. There’s a war of consciousness going on, get educated.
      p.s. A woman would just dream of a man who doesn’t sleep around, is non-violent, I am well educated, caring, sharing, I don’t get drunk or gamble, but nope, even good people are getting hammered. Sadly I wanted to grow old with one woman whom I love, but fate has played another hand it seems. I’m not perfect, but who is.

      • Wow John! amazing insight into today’s female psyche. If menopause could cause divorce all marriages would have ended between 40 to 50, but it seems this is not the case. Menopause may cause some hormonal changes but these hormones do not compel anybody to file for a divorce. Men also work in stressful corporate environment which is sufficient to upset them at times. Can this be sold an excuse for men to divorce their wives or to be outright rude or disrespectful to them?

  23. Well after reading a lot of this, not one has mentioned a same sex marriage so here it goes. My partner and I have only been married for 2.5 years, dating for ten, she had to have a full hysterectomy including ovaries. I am experiencing the same as the men…..loving wife, great intimacy and emotionally fulfilled. Now completely opposite….she has blatantly said no more sex as she does not have the desire. I used to feel emotionally connected but now do not. We were a very loving couple who really appreciated each other. Now I look at her and wonder what happened and yes it is the menopause. I love her and want to be together but I need to feel that emotional connection. It is difficult, even as a woman writing this, how drastic a change can occur by having ovaries removed. I continue to compliment her and she walks away in tears. I feel sorry for her as she did not ask for this. Yet I am struggling to keep myself happy in this marriage. But keep saying for better or worse.

  24. Patrice says:

    I went the “change” early. I was 48 when the cessation occurred although I did have many years prior of symptoms.
    I married late, 38 and divorced him 5 years later. The change in life did play a big role in this. Although looking back I can see that we were never very compatible. I hate hearing of all the heartache this causes. It is not fair to all the loved ones involved. I hope my little bit of insight helps.
    The change in life also refers to the change in how we see the world and all of our motives. Everything is different and it can be a confusing and frightening time. A woman can begin to question how she got to now and does any of it make sense, it should but it often doesn’t. That’s the hard part as the chemical imbalance that is running rampant makes it almost impossible. It’s almost like a blanket of fog or waking up one day and not remembering the person you were yesterday, its weird. For me all I really knew for sure was that my marriage was a sham and I had to get out. I had no plan (except to sort out this new version of myself) and I’ve been a free bird ever since. I’m 52 look 40 and happily single. If someone special lands in my nest then so much the better. But I’m fine now either way.

  25. I’m not sure that I really ought to “speak my mind.” I will say a little bit though. I pseudo follow this blog because the woman that I love with every fiber of my being follows it and she keeps me informed on some of the discussions. I’ve browsed through a lot of the comments from both you ladies and the men. Here is what I’d like to say…

    For much of our Western society’s history menopause has been little understood from a physiological viewpoint. The changes a woman’s body goes through are dramatic to say the least, sometimes even horrific.

    Ooh, and I should add that I’m a man, very much in love with someone on here that is going through menopause. Though I’m probably not the typical macho, the woman is “property” kinda man. But I’m also not a linguini spined, house husband, the woman “wears the pants” kinda man either. She will be the first one to tell anybody that I’m a pretty tough male specimen, who reverences, respects, adores, admires, understands, knows intimately, and loves her with all my heart.

    The changes she is going through are tough, the hot flashes, the raging hormonal spikes, horrific periods, mood swings, have been very hard on her. I told her I wanted to post on here because of the sometimes total lack of understanding on the part of the men that there seems to be.

    I can tell you that there has not been a moment during her feeling her worst that I have not been able to take her hand in mine, or just wrap my arms around her and hold her where she has not relaxed into my arms. Sometimes we don’t even need to talk, just “be.” I love her and she knows it!

    Too many men whine and bitch and cry about how “their woman” changed. Duuuh…. Maybe study up on what she is going through. I believe one major problem is the bullshit macho view that she’s not the same “old lady” that you’ve grown accustomed to, your “property.” I could go on but I don’t want any contacts put out on my life.

    If a woman is in a strong, healthy, nurturing, supportive, loving relationship than menopause should only strengthen that relationship. If she’s revered, and admired, and respected, and understood, and supported, and loved than menopause is a time in her life when that relationship should only get stronger. But if she’s “property” than yea guys, forget about it! You’re toast! And it’s not her fault! Look in the mirror. She told me about a woman who wrote something to the effect of men reaping the seed they’ve shown for years when a woman guess through menopause. That’s a great analogy. The changes a woman goes through just decrease her ability to filter everything for the sake of keeping the peace. It exposes the hurts, and disappointments, and heartaches that she has swept under the rug.

    But the opposite is true as well. She knows I love her with every fiber of my being. She knows there is nothing that she can say or do or feel that I don’t understand. She knows I’m there however she needs me. The hormonal spikes can include anger, sure, but that can also include sadness, great joy (if the relationship is there), laughter, and incredible sex and physical desire (if you know what you’re doing gentlemen! If it’s not all about you! If she knows you love her, and would take a bullet for her, which I would. If you’ve always reverenced, and respected, and admired, and supported, and treated her gentleness, and kindness, and tenderness, and understanding, and loved her like she is the center of your being and your reason for living! If the relationship is there gentlemen)! But if it’s not there, again, your toast! Then yes, she has become the angry, stressed, frigid bitch that you say she is. Sorry ladies, before you ask, I’m not available. Someone in here owns my heart already!

    • Whatever helps you sleep at night. I never went out to bars and went home with strange women. But I had to endure her waltzing in at 05:30 after being out with strange guys she’d pick up and go home with. Sorry, I never sowed those seeds. “Sorry ladies, before you ask, I’m not available. Someone in here owns my heart already!” Not full of yourself are you?

    • Your a true wanker mate ! Obviously ya don’t listen to jack shit !! These blokes on here are not “bitchn n crying ” and people like you that have judgement like that on people they’ve never met could do with a good bitch slap to be honest !! I’m as bloke as your gunu get ,but I still have amazing respect for women and have always treated them as if they was made from gold ! I’m as atheist as your gunu get also so the people’s lord has no influence on my morals , believe me my Morals are stronger than any religion has to offer ! I’d consider myself pretty “macho” wot ever that shit is !! I’ve got tattoos from my chin to fingertips and I do enjoy a decent blue now and then so yes ” macho” if ya like !! But I love and care just as much , and probably more than most blokes ! I hear exactly what these blokes on here are saying , my guess is their genuine good men that have genuinely cared for and loved their lady’s as much as they possibly can !! I DONT HEAR ANY ” bitchn and crying” at all !!!!! I hear very real pain from decent people that tried as much as possible not to lose real love !!!!! Can imagine people like you enjoy watching the goodmorning shows mate !!!!

  26. Kenneth says:

    Wow this site is very enlighting these past couple of years have been Hell!! I have read up on what is happening but sometimes it hard to wrap my head around how does someone go from loving to cold!! Well I have an extra tidbit I haven’t seen in any of the post she was having a long affair told me about that’s when we totally went from 0 to Crazy Fassst!!! Then she denied her having menopause with all the signs still in denial even accused me of messing around if she no longer has a sex drive why cheat? This driving me insane I drive a truck for a living pay 90% of the house bills still she reasons that she is fine! She will do what’s she wants to do so long as it doesn’t violate the marriage?? Are you kidding me? My world has been turned upside down we have 4 girls 1 of them is already showing signs she is becoming her mother! That’s a wammy to ponder!! I feel used by a woman I fell in love with planned a life with sacrificed for and to end up like a discarded piece of used toilet paper is way out of my pay grade!! Love is suppose to endure but when your dealing with the spawn of the devil where do you draw the line and exit for your own sanity? Love and marriage is something I thought I was equipped for! I’m at my wits end now no divorce but she won’t go either. All my girls live with us my youngest jus finished school last year they all have jobs but this gap between me and my wife is one of the worst feelings of loneliness I have felt there is a hole in my soul that I’m trying to ponder do I cut off the infected part seek help and hope that it heals not as good as new but diserable respectful loving woman I married we have been married for 15yrs. They say we (men) are suppose to stick it out! But aren’t we colateral damage how many men are destroyed trying to work thru it!! What do we become in the end?? Angry hostile sex starved effection deprived all for the sake of a woman who may or may not still give a Damn? How do we pick up the pieces of life we put aside for Love?!! Don’t get me wrong I’m not bashing her just curious haven’t seen any answers to these questions on here yet or anywhere! I a hopeful romantic who wants to beat for my woman my wife my heart but right now is jus holding on enough to save me in the end!!!

  27. Same as most all men’s experience above. Same wife symptoms.
    My wife has suddenly shutdown and wants a divorce.
    I thought it was menopause for the last year.
    But now she’s telling me she hasn’t loved me for a year.
    But i still thinks it’s the menopause talking.
    She has changed so much. Even the light in her eyes is gone. Makes me cry.
    I’m devastated. I’m lost, lonely and empty. A bag of nerves. I can’t focus.
    She is my sweetheart!
    Not sure what to do.

    • I understand the loss of focus. It’s hard to work or in my case, take a class. My wife told me she never was attracted to me. We were together nine years before we got married though. Why didn’t she skip out then? It sure wasn’t some kind of arranged shotgun marriage. Nothing they say makes sense. They just delight in inflicting pain. I don’t think it’s their fault, however. Nature is cruel. The problem is there isn’t much being done about the issue. Everyone pretends it isn’t a problem and all her friends believe her when she tells them how worthless you are. Been there. ” If your right eye offendeth you, pluck it out. “

  28. WOW, incredibly valuable information. I just thought it was my wife. 5 years ago if someone told me I would be going through a divorce today I would have laughed in their face. Over the past few years the change has been so dramatic I have no idea who this woman is I live with now, and I want my old wife back. Too little, too late as after both of us being absolutely miserable with each other the past years I was serviced divorce papers a few weeks ago. I was ready and asked for it but did not think she would file. I pray she find happiness both in life and in a relationship with someone who treat her awesome. She gave me three awesome sons so I will always love and care for her. It sucks to get up ever morning knowing just your presence disturbs your wife and your going to hear about all things she does not like about you, all day long, in a hostile and hateful voice. Menopause SUCKS!

  29. Anonymous says:

    I see a lot of you complaining about the loss of sex drive, emotional distancing, mood swings, and anger issues. I am a 45 year old that just started menopause. For me sex is extremely painful. I am emotionally distant because my husband would rather spend his time watching porn or flirting with other women on line. I am angry from years of caring for my children, putting my dreams and future on hold to raise a family while he hung out with his friends. Now that the kids are grown his career is more important than anything I could possibly accomplish. I have no financial independence. If I want to go out he is my constant chaperone. I have to watch everything I say, do, or wear. Any time I try to speak up for myself I suddenly am a hormonal bitch. I have been asking to see a doctor for over a year, but am told we can’t afford it. Here is the other side of the menopause coin. These are the reasons women divorce during menopause. We finally get a sense of putting our needs first instead of allowing our health and fitness to go to hell in order for our families to thrive.

    • Maybe in your specific case, yes. You do have valid issues. We never had children and I treated my wife as my equal but it still ended up just like the rest on here. The part about not seeing a Dr. or councilor is pretty dumb if he knows what is good for him. IF you divorce him you will get half of everything. He should consider which costs more. At least you realize you need help which is more than most. Good luck.

  30. Married 32 years. Been together since our late teens. Have struggled though everything that life can throw at us and survived. Brought up two healthy happy sons who are now embarking on their own lives. For the past few months we have been planning early retirement so we can enjoy the fruits of our labours(we have gone without a good deal in life to get where we are) but the ‘monster’ is never far away trust me.

    I can spot when the ‘rage’ is building up as little things such as snidely comments or unprovoked negative comments appear in my wife’s conversation.
    Unanswerable questions are very often a favourite way to initiate a screaming session. By unanswerable I mean “Would you like…..” If I say ‘no’ I am controlling and have no consideration for her viewpoint, if I say ‘yes’ I am clearly just acquiescing and being patronising.

    The person who I wake up to every day isn’t the woman I married. I have absolutely no idea where she went to a few years ago. She has been replaced by a woman who likes to rant and rave at every opportunity over the tiniest of issues, who likes to control everything we do or are planning to do down to the tiniest detail and makes sure there is absolutely no consideration for my take on things, who can spends days locked away in our bedroom on her own with a dog and a laptop and who never (I mean NEVER) misses the opportunity to get involved in a blazing argument.

    She has never apologised once. Not a single time has an apology tripped across those lips despite patently realising she is totally out of control and has a problem.

    Two days ago I left her in bed while I got up, did the cleaning and then woke her up with a cup of tea. She then spent the next ten minutes berating me for not making it the way she likes it made with “How hard can it be!” being frequently shouted. I told her that she was going on a bit and that her response was out of all proportion to what she perceived as an issue but then it happened……..me pointing out a fault such as this infuriated her even more and her voice started going up through the scales. (The higher pitched voice is a clear sign the demon is awake) Like countless times before I simply backed down and stayed schtum but, needless to say, I knew that this was to be the day she would have one of her ‘episodes’. I wasn’t to be disappointed- on the journey home after buying food for a cycling picnic (right little hell raiser aren’t I) out of the blue came another one of those unanswerable questions about where we would live when I retired early. It was clearly phrased to get a negative response from me. Within minutes she was running through the ‘I hate you’ script. We didn’t actually get to go on a picnic by the way.

    Someone in here said exactly the same as me when they said if it were a man behaving like this it would be called an ‘abusive’ relationship and everybody would frown upon the behaviour. But for the sake of political correctness we gloss over what the real issue is here. I did mention this to my wife. Her response? “Aw diddums! Is someone a victim?”

    Could you imagine the uproar and outrage if a man said things like that?

    So many of these forums appear to be hosted and run by women who keep going on and on about what us men need to do. Here’s a thought, how about the women face up to the fact they have a very real, destructive, violent and debilitating condition that is tearing families apart everywhere. How about they once, just ONCE say ‘sorry’.

    I go out to work every day for a stressful job and leave my wife at home. I then come home and help clean and then do most of the cooking. I buy her whatever she wants. I don’t smoke, do drugs, drink, gamble, womanise or am even a member of a sports club. I don’t go out with ‘the boys’. In fact 99.9% of my life has been devoted to providing for my family. To now constantly be told how little I am worth, how irrelevant my opinions are, how easily she can ‘get by’ without me is deeply offensive. Oh to be able to turn the clock back 30 years. I am sorry you are having flushes, feeling sweaty and worried about getting older and cannot have children ladies but us men are facing the next 30 years of life with big bellies, bald heads ,aching knees and a prostrate that is trying to kill us. Life ain’t all happy clappy roses in the garden for us you know. However, our response is to not take ourselves too seriously or we maybe pick up a hobby, it’s not to try and destroy those we love and pull apart a family we have spent 30 years building.

    I am so very, very tired (exhausted) of it now that, to be honest, I just want to walk away and try to salvage a little bit of happiness somewhere, anywhere – even if that means on my own. That’s something I never thought I would hear myself saying. It’s like when you dig a hole on the beach as a kid and the waves just keep filling it up while you desperately try to empty it. After a while you begin to realise you will never succeed and so you abandon it. You just wait for the next inevitable wave.

    • You said’

      “That’s something I never thought I would hear myself saying”

      I know what you mean and know how you feel, if someone said to me a year ago:

      you’ll be on your own next year

      I would have laughed at them

    • Brian Arnot says:

      Thank you for a wonderful web site
      To the above men, women ans all in this situation it is a shi# situation, to including the world around you ooh yes family friends work colleges even your pet ….
      You have all made my day I laughed out loud reading your comments and not in a bad way. I was married to the girl of my dreams for 30 years, we still have 2 wonderful children and had the most fantastic life. But that was about to change sadly. Mistrust, snide comments, sifting through my emails, wallet hey and the rest you all know what I am talking about and we take it on the chin, say nothing, just hope one day she comes back “the girl of my dreams” . NO it does not happen. Then one day you get the “I am not happy” and the reason “you know” yip so we know?
      So after 34 years of marriage, divorce, not a nice place to be.
      Now on a happier note women and men can get thru this together and separately. If you do go for the separate direction it is a long haul and neither of you can do anything about it, so deal with it, because it is a chemical unbalance issue not her fault and not your fault.
      If you wish to avoid it in your next relationship, remember to ask her if she has been through the menopause, before, getting her phone number (once bitten twice shy). Forgive and move on life is too short and getting shorter.

    • Even if you are a caring, understanding and devoted husband/man, your wife, as a person can fundamentally change. It is not the loss of libido that is surprising and unexpected, it is the total and complete loss of affection towards you her husband and the man who has truly loved her. How to survive losing her to hormonal change s a difficult if not impossible task. Li together as irritated room mates?? I that the best possible outcome?? I understand she was/is not in control of her hormones and therefore”can’t help how she feels” But, how can I or any man help how he feels when his beloved wife has absolutely no interest or affection for hi,?? I/he can’t help how he feels either. And there is no talking about it..it is just how she feels.

  31. Instead of destroying a multi year relationship they should be made to get mental health before the judge issues a divorce. So many men I know are dealing with their insane behavior after they turn 50. They need psychiatric help. Mine became a light switch. Completely bipolar.

    • absolutely! I had the fun of having a female judge too! She told me my wife had checked out years ago, get over it. And pay up on your way out. My wife got two cars because she was mentally ill is the way I see it. Probably would have taken my truck, but she can’t drive a five speed.

  32. Ok, here goes! I am 51 and been married almost 26 years and have no children. My experience is the opposite as most of you on here. I love what the men on here have said about their wives’. I came here because I am thinking of asking my husband to go to counseling to save our marriage. Don’t want to divorce really. For the last couple of years it seems we have drifted apart. We have sex about every six months but it is all about him, when we do. I hug and kiss him everyday and try to be close but it seems he doesn’t want to be. I know he likes me to ask for sex but it is hard to know when he is in the mood. Mind you we both have autoimmune issues but that should not hold back having sex, hugging or kissing. He says he misses me when I am gone but that is it! Also, it seems that I can’t talk to him anymore about things. I get jumped on for asking for simple things. I ask if he is going to do something and he says yes, then comes up with an excuse why he can’t do them. That has been going on for year. I know that I am pre-menopause, if not in menopause now, I have missed several periods and have prepared myself for changes because some of my family member have had a hard time with menopause. But I was not prepared for my husband to be so disconnected. I feel I have tried on my end but I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do. I am with him 24-7 because I work for home and he helps me with the business. He mainly sleeps the day away and awake all night. I feel so lonely and disconnected. It this how menopause makes you feel. I am trying not to be frustrated but I am.

    • Some men can have hormone imbalances too. He needs to ask his Dr. about it and see a PhD. It is unfair if this happens to the woman in a relationship as well.

  33. My story is similar to most of them. My wife of 4 years filed for divorce 4 months ago and the divorce was final last week. We were a happy couple. We walked every morning, ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We always ate in restaurants because we didn’t know how to cook but enjoy eating in different places. We took a vacation every other month. We traveled to many places most time for a few days. Cali, P Rico, Jamaica, Florida and other places. We never had a fight, screamed at each other and respected each other very much. The best 4 years of my life. She had 2 kids from a previous marriage and I never raise my voice at them. We loved each other and had a perfect life. I’m retired and she worked 2 days a week. We had plenty of time to do everything we wanted. Money was never an issue. No alcohol, no drugs, no affairs a very healhty life. I also take care of my 88 years old aunt. We have a large house so space is not an issue. One day in March she told me that she had her period twice in one month and she believed that she may have started her pre menopause. Her mother was at the same age when she started. Life change very fast for us. My perfect wife now is telling me that all 29 vacations we took were terrible. She told me something that I did wrong in each of them. She told me that I was selfish and never put her feelings before mine. There she was right and I decided to get help over 100 hours of therapy. She didn’t care much about my therapy sections but at least gave me better tools to understand her better and to be a better man in the future. She cried everyday and night. She has problem sleeping. She stop talking to her mother and all her negative childhood experiences became my fault. I didn’t know most of them. The worse part is over now but In one week she changed the divorce papers 3 times, I’m glad I’m not paying for her attorney. I felt that I was on top of the world and in one day my world was gone. I started to read about what she is going tru and I offered my help. No thank you. She answered. We still lived together because the house is for sale (her idea) and our names is in the mortgage. We talked everyday but it’s very cold. There is no emotions from her. It’s like talking to a bag of ice. I been working really hard in making her feel better. Telling her how beautiful she looks, getting her flowers, a gift card from her favorite coffee place, cleaning around the house, doing the laundry, going to the supermarket. I understand that sex is out and believe me it’s very difficult not to touch her but if she wanted it I will know. She made radical changes in her life. Traded a new expensive car that I was paying for a cheaper car but she wanted it in her name only and she is paying for it. Not bad for me. Took herself out from Facebook something that she enjoyed a lot. Now she is working more than ever because she is saving money for a rainy day fund. To make matters worse I just found out that I have cancer in an advance stage. She was with me for 11 hours at the hospital. Next week I will know more about the treatment. She has been a terrific ex wife. I believe she cares about me. We talked everyday and we are friends that is all she offered and I told her I was fine with it. I still love my ex wife. I want the best for her and the kids. I know she is going tru a very difficult time with her hormones. My brother told me that I’m a doormat. I told him that is my decision to be one if I want to. Our living situation and my cancer put us in a dificult position. No idea what the future will be for us. We are divorced but we still have a relationship. If either one of us can’t take it anymore I guess we can always move out and rent an apartment. We are still together because we care about each other and believe me it has been the most difficult time of our life. We all have similar stories but they are all unique in how we handle and what it’s happening to us.

  34. So here I am up again in the middle of the night!! I just want to rest, but wake up, heart racing and guilty of the way I spoke to hubby night before!!! I am driving him nuts, part of it is that he always stated his marriage of 26 years crumbled because of ex’s menopause! I am 13 years younger and started working from home like 3 weeks ago , he is here now it’s US 24/7 …. He has no hobbies anymore!! I can feel major tension, no kids , just turned 50 and in major paranoid mode!!! I hope he hangs in there with me, but I don’t know if he understands what I am going through!! I don’t feel like myself anymore😬

  35. I m 47 menopause my husband mary again with young gril he leave me

  36. How do I feel?, I am a 53 year old male, married 23 years, I have 2 AWESOME children, and I do love my wife. The last 2 years have been so hard on my youngest son and my self. Eldest off to college. I started to notice the lack of communication, love, and effection from my wife 2 years ago and it has grown into a full blow rage! She is going out almost every night, changes in her personality range from anger, rage, fury, and drinking, all negatively vented towards my son and I. The only interaction she has with my son was putting him down and pointing to all he did was not good enough. My self, I lost my job of 20 years and started my own business and I can not believe how much I love my job again. This became an issue of resentment towards me. Because I “called my own shots” believe me, being self employment and starting out when your 50 in this economy is an incredible risk I had taken and the rewards were worth it. So I figured with increased financial income the financial nit picking would be over, No it just moved to a new topic, she says “all I do is talk about work” my responsibilities grew and I think I did a good at work, but I didn’t do enough laundry, yard work, or have dinner ready on time, or what ever else she was yelling about. The isolation I received, the felling of being unwanted, not loved, not worth her time are destroying our marriage. I am no saint and I goof off and it seems I never say or do the right thing, but, my family is #1 in my life. My wife doesn’t want a husband or children and we are being discarded. The years of neglect she has given my son has turned him into an introvert, he tells me his mother doesn’t love him. Her reactions are over the top, the mental abuse, “it’s all about her now” destroyed everything. Sadly, and very sadly, this will end bad. I try to understand, I try to be a mother and a father to my son. The most trivial things can cause the most intense out bursts of rage. She now chooses her friends over her family. I am lost, I am compassionate to the fault of being a doormat, my son needs a mother but she is alway absent in both our lives. I wish I could make it better. She has every symptom of premenopausal behavior, she will not admit it. I am devistaed, my son has a hole in is life. I just don’t know anything else to do. I hate seeing my son being told he’s not good enough. I can’t do anything right, men do get hurt, we do have feelings. I wish things didn’t end this way.

  37. The Serious Truth says:

    Most women cause Divorce since so many women nowadays are very greedy and selfish and will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less.

  38. Hi, I’m a 42 year old female and beginning to realise that I’m starting to go through the perimenopause-night sweats, anxiety, depression, mood swings, periods all over the place, loss of sex drive, sleeping disorder and not knowing how I feel about my husband anymore. All this been going on for about six months. I’ve started to feel distant and cold towards him and my children, have very low self-esteem and nit pick and put them and myself down, I seem stuck in a negative cycle. The fact that I can see all this is helping me to try and stop my behaviour and force a more loving attitude towards them and hopefully it will manifest that eventually I naturally feel love again. I have put my husband through hell, he loves me to bits and all I seem to do is tell him I don’t know if I love him anymore and deny us any sexual pleasure. But all this is just causing us both pain. We women need to take a real hard look at ourselves and realise what is causing the changes in our emotions, attitudes and feelings, and make a conscious decision to try and control them and respect the people around us or we’ll end up losing the people who we truly love and who love us. It is a condition with many horrible symptoms but if we just stop and take a breath when we feel ourselves getting anxious, and think before we fly off the handle or put others down we can try and save it. I’m not saying it’s easy but try and put others first. I am putting this into working progress. Maybe write down your feelings and the way you have spoken to your partner or children that day, were you happy with the way you conducted yourself and could you change it to a positive. This will hopefully not only benefit you but the people around you and you can all enjoy each others company more. Basically just try and be more mindful, and appreciate what you do have. It’s hard staying positive when you feel physically and emotionally unwell but don’t take it out on your loved ones, they are there to love and support you, and being negative will only push them away and/or make them ill. My husband started having panic attacks and I believe I was causing them because he was so uncertain about our future so that has too woken me up. I still have bad days but I’m going to fight through this and hopefully me posting this can help save someone else’s relationship. Read articles, try to get in touch with yourself and realise you are in charge, don’t let it take you over. Be in control of it and each day slowly slowly you can reclaim yourself. One step at a time. It’s not going to happen without a fight. Just be conscious everyday of how you are being and concentrate on how you would truly like to be and you will, if you truly want to, become who you’d like to be.
    All the best.

  39. My wife and I had been married for thirty eight years. We have seven now adult children and five grand children. In 2007 my wife was having problems with menopause. The usual loving nature and love making was not interesting to her. I accepted that as part of ageing and did not pester or expect her to have sex with me. She left me eleven months ago and I am absolutely shattered. I have tried to be considerate and assure her I love her. Sent her flowers (she was very thankful) Given her space. From reading some of the posts I now believe she is still struggling with trusting me to be a good loving husband. I have repeatedly told her (when we have seen one and other or when she telephones me) that I will do anything to make things right for her. I am really frightened we will be permanently separated.

  40. This sight is a complete eye-opener! All of the above is pertinent to exactly where I have been for the past few years. My wife of 27 years almost had me convinced I was the problem, so much so I sought professional help through a physiologist.

    As we progressed through the final months before separation all of her closest friends questioned her decision and all advised her against it, even her daughters could not break through the wall that she had built around herself. She was right and everybody else was wrong and I mean everybody, even the psychologist I went to see could not get through.

    It is hard for us men and I found it really hard, we had been in a relationship since she was 9 and I was 11, she is all I have ever known, all I ever wanted to know, we were the epitome of childhood sweethearts, I was convinced the term childhood sweethearts came to fruition because of us! I still love her dearly and I do worry for her future as it is clear to me and everyone that knows her that she is not thinking straight.

    I had to muster every reserve I had to release and let her go, knowing there was no going back especially on her side. I felt so empty and lost, my partner of the last 39 years has gone, I am really not sure where to go from here and too be honest my energy has been depleted, I used every last drop over the past 2+ years to try and convince her to stay.
    Like many above have written, she is not the same person I married all those years ago and when I think of the hardships we have endured (and there have been numerous) and the magnificent times we have shared together, I still find it hard to comprehend that she would just simply walk away and leave it all behind.

    I, having read all of the above, do take solace in the fact it wasn’t just me . . . I do not mean that in the way that I’m glad I’m not the only one, I mean it in the fact I was searching for answer to the burning question . . WHY? This article and your responses above has answered that question and even though I have a huge loss, reading this article has helped me a lot!

  41. Pat keaney says:

    Hi Guys

    Hello from London

    We married in 1989 and in 2012 at age 46 my wife got a lawyer and divorced me. I was in a state of shock, cried most of the time, utterly devastated. Few weeks before Divorce became final, she stopped it. Following 18 months very difficult; couldn’t believe she could do this to me. She said….I don’t love you anymore; I don’t want to be married to you; this time next year I will be up in the bed with a different man; vile garbish came out of her mouth daily. After a further 18 months, she applied for Divorce once again and got a court order to remove me from our home. I spent 6 months outside the home. Then suddenly she dropped the Divorce again, and said I could come home.
    Four weeks later, she ordered me out of our home again. This time I went to bed and locked the bedroom door. Few hours later, there was a knock on the bedroom door and it was the police. She had called them to remove me. At this stage, after 25 years, I GAVE UP. Police took no action; told her they would NOT remove me from our home on the basis of her whim and left. But I was changed- I finally gave up. I gave up wishing it could be better, hoping she would come back mentally- hoping my marraige could be as it once was; she’s gone and I know that mentally and emotionally, my wife is gone forever. Today, four and a half years after her first Divorce attempt, we still live together with our children. She is on HRT for the menopause but is regularly angry, hugely nasty and extremely uncaring to both myself and the children. The Menopause has won. It has destroyed our marraige and severely damaged our children.

    I now live with this women but she bears no resemblance to my wife. She is a nasty vicious thug and each time I’m in her vicinity, the warning voice in my head says, ‘watch yourself, be careful, she’s dangerous’.

    I never believed in or wanted divorce so this is how i must spend the rest of my life if I wish to remain married and to keep my family together. Watching out for this vile destructive being who is utterly obsessed with self.

    So what’s my point? I beat 2 Divorce attempts by my menopausal wife; I kept my family together despite her every attempt to ruin it …BUT…….in reality, I still lost. I’ve won nothing. She is cold, silent, self-obsessed, GONE!!! In every way gone…..my wife is gone and I’m completely alone even though I live in the same house as her and we are still married.

    So you can hang on, hope to save the marraige, change yourself inside out or you can accept that it’s happened; it happens quite a lot and learn how to let go. Either way, you will never get back what you list. I didn’t. It’s gone forever.

    Consider letting go, absorbing the hurt and the pain and starting over with someone younger who is no close to Menopause age. That way at least you might be happy one day in the future. Me, I’m living an absolute nightmare daily.

    • Hi Pat. How about going after a woman whose been through menopause already so you can stay married and stay happy!

  42. Hey guys. I’m in the same vote as many of you on here.

    A loving wife, great marriage and then lost my best friend, wife, lover and maybe the future we had planned.

    My question is, many people have told me it’s only a matter of time for her to return to her former self.

    Has anyone experienced this?

    Has your wife returned and did it work out?

  43. The Very Sad Truth says:

    Well that can cause divorce too which so many women nowadays are also Sleeping Around with all different men all the time has a lot to do with it as well since it is Fact that women Do Cheat more than men Do these days. Been there and done that.

  44. Yep !! And because your simply a human being inevitably it builds up and you give some of the nasty back let’s be honest man !! I’ve just spent a year and a half behind her bars for crimes only she understands !!! I ain’t afraid to be the first to say yeah man I’ve told the minister of war exactly how twisted her brain is with some well deserved strong language ! And yeah I do know how much fuel that added to an extremely well lit fire !!!! Can’t be helped when you have loved with as much love as possible only to have your heart completely ripped in half !! In the blink of an eye !! For no reason !! just because !!! Can’t say the word menopause or your a sexist pig 🙂 and you can research it until you flow plumb jam out your ears it’s only you that’s going to understand more as to why !! They don’t want to know about it , it’s because of you end of story !! apparantly !! Loosing what you love sooooo much , undeserved and for reasons unknown and not being able to do a thing about it is seriously cruel beyond belief !!

  45. My wife has been going thru this for a while now, about a year and a half. We’ve been married 29 years and I’m seriously doubting we will make 30. I have one foot out the door now. I’ve read everything I could find on dealing with her swings, anger and I’m tired of being beat to a pulp. Not literally, but she insults me, belittles me does what ever she can and is destroying my psyche. When I’ve said I tried, and more ally, really did. I do everything I can, clean, shop, cook, do dishes, laundry take care of her parents, the house, the cars, buy her flowers. I’ve even gone to her car at work and placed flowers on her windshield…red tulips, her fav. I rub her feet, back, shoulders, complement her til the cows come home. Mess is sparse. She won’t initiate ever. I try to keep courting her. Took her to Manhattan for her birthday, horse carriage ride thru Central Park. You name it. I try like hell to romance her. I seriously make her feel like she is the only woman in the room. We sat down and had a few heart to hearts. I explained that I’m doing everything I can to understand and cope but she does nothing in terms of considering my needs. My needs are few but as a man I have them. O became the pin cushion. My girls both moved out as soon as she started being mean. They tell me I can visit anytime. Lol. I can’t do that to them. But I’m seriously headed to divorce. It’s Saturday, Jan 21 and I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday to discuss. We have tried marriage counseling and the wife hated it because the counselor was on my side. My wife admits to treating me poorly, says she can’t help it. Hard to believe. But she won’t even try. In bed, she will sit/lay down and read, I lay next to her and just place my hand on her. She actually yelled at me. It was not an attempt at sex, just a loving touch, caress. My life sucks. I had at one point placed the barrel of my pistol in my mouth. I was a coward and didn’t pull the trigger. I can’t do that to my kids. I have no family, all have passed. I’m 54. I do love life, love the positive energy I have but its dwindling. I hate coming home, hate cooking for her, basically hate everything to do with her. She is out with friends and I’m home alone. It’s quite nice. Isn’t that sad? Should I show her this blog? Help..please…I really don’t want to toss everything away but I can’t do this anymore.

    • Hank.In my opinion there is nothing you can do.I did everything you pretty much have,and nothing changed. Just remember Menopause has changed your wife and she is a different person now.She’s not the woman you would have ever married the way she is now.

    • Hank, I also wanted to say that the hormonal upheaval for some women is horrible. I went through severe insomnia, depression, anxiety, forgetfulness, and ANGER outbursts. Some women lose their sex drive. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not your fault or just menopause or your wife’s fault. It’s all three combined. If there are serious issues before menopause, they will come out with a vengeance during menopause. I wasn’t dealing with a particular issue with my husband. It became a bigger problem, until we went a couple of times to therapy. If the problem becomes untenable again, we are agreed that a separation will ensue. I’m not thrilled with my marriage, but I want to try to salvage it. Good luck, and please talk to a professional.

  46. Hank, you need counseling for yourself. If your wife won’t go, you still need help to deal with your pain. My husband isn’t as nice as you seem to be, and I have realized I have to work harder to control my temper/outbursts. I also have sex with my husband. You need a professional to help you sort out your feelings. It sounds like your wife may have strong resentment of past issues. Unfortunately, women can put up with more before the menopausal years, and sometimes we all hide things from ourselves that are simply too painful to process. By helping yourself, you’ll be able to know whether you need a separation or not. You don’t deserve constant abuse. If your wife refuses to try to show you any concern for your needs or get help for herself, you may need a separation.

  47. My Long term relationship just ended mainly due to menopause. Prior to that is was wonderful. Vibrant, alive, expressive. So much in common & planning on marrying. Our relationship was fantastic & none of our friends or me saw it ever ending. he was my king & I was his Queen & we both shared a passion for renaissance romance, honor & courtly gestures. menopause seriously messed me up. Total exhaustion, hair changes, skin changes, body changes. Sleep deprivation due to hot flushes, super sensitive skin, super sensitive emotionally. Started HRT & got a blood clot. I felt like crap & exhausted nearly all the time. Walking dead. My partner never complained even though our love life was AWOL. After three years I finally started feeling human again but in hindsight he had become resentful, quietly angry & looking for what was wrong in everything I did. Still no sex as he never acted like he was attracted to me in word or deed. Throughout all of this I was working on ideas to improve what I was going through but he was not interested in hearing about it. Throughout all of this I continued to help raise the kids, take care of his mother, take care of our home & work- all doing my part for us & loving him as many ways as I could. He finally sat on the bed one night & said “I love you but my needs are not being met”. Shortly after that I found he had started a relationship elsewhere. he decided it was “Best we end this now”. Many years & a commitment to communicate & work through things & I got kicked out with no communication or attempt to work on things from him even though I did. Just like that I’m homeless, missing his kids (previous marriage) that I had helped raise & written off as a crone. Totally heartbroken & picking up the pieces. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. I feel like he disengaged to make it easer for him to end it rather than communicate & work through together which he knew I would have done. Sucks big time.

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